


do i wanna know?

by lixiesrosies



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Bang Chan is Whipped, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Everything is Beautiful and Everything Hurts, Fluff and Angst, Lee Felix is Bad at Feelings (Stray Kids), Light Angst, M/M, The Author Regrets Everything, but he's also a wonderful little fairy, chan if you see this keep scrolling, chan sees everything I know, character development based in romance, everyone's a little fruit cup ya know, honestly how much angst? literally don't know man it's sad but not THAT sad, minsung are Gay, songfic kind of, stray kids not straight kids
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-17 13:01:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28725531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lixiesrosies/pseuds/lixiesrosies
Summary: Chan didn’t remember when the feelings started.It could have been when he was on tour in his home country, crying about how much he missed it and shortly thereafter crying about a certain someone being his biggest emotional support system (or something like that).It could have been even before that, when he promised he would find him no matter what - even when he knew they would probably never see each other again (or something like that).Usually it was apathy. Pure, unbridled apathy.TLDR; Chan realizes how deeply whipped he is for Lix and Goes Through It. Felix is just along for the ride.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 18
Kudos: 102





	1. crawling back to you

**Author's Note:**

> hihihiiii this isn't my first fic but it is my first skz fic ! (i don't know if that is something to celebrate but let me have my moment) I love writing about characters and diving deep into their brains so here is something i wrote after watching too many chan's room vlives and chanlix comps on youtube :,)
> 
> (title taken from Do I Wanna Know by the Arctic Monkeys but based on the CHVRCHES cover)

\----

Chan didn’t remember when the feelings started. 

It could have been when he was on tour in his home country, crying about how much he missed it and shortly thereafter crying about a certain someone being his biggest emotional support system (or something like that).

It could have been even before that, when he promised he would find him no matter what - even when he knew they would probably never see each other again (or something like that).

Usually it was apathy. Pure, unbridled apathy. It was the worst feeling in the world; nothing mattered, not his silly little boy group or his silly little songs and dances. The world was a big, scary place, with suffering everywhere, and there he was, showing off his abs on a stage (or something like that).

He escaped into neverending work and an endless stream of electropop music blasting from his laptop at ungodly hours of the morning. Lyrics blurred together into cheesy catch-lines and repetitive choruses until he was writing down the lyrics to a song he already knew.

And then he woke up, rising up from his bunk bed like the undead, groggily looking around as the kids scurried to put _something_ on for practice. And he’d look at Felix washing his face through the mirror, and their eyes would meet in the reflection and Chan would feel a spark of some emotion he was still too tired to process.

Nobody knew how bad he’d gotten, not the observant international fans, not even his group members. 

He could turn on his entire personality for the entire day and wash it off in the shower. Once he was clean, he would lay down and stare at the ceiling until he fell asleep for an hour or two.

Tonight, he dreamt. He was back in Sydney, at the harbor. It was empty. And quiet. And dark. It looked like home, but it didn’t feel like it. He walked until he couldn’t tell whether he was dreaming or not, his shoes on the ground feeling corporeal but his eyesight so fuzzy his eyes could have been closed. There was a figure ahead, just about his height, features undistinguishable in the nighttime.

“Oi!” he felt his lungs shout, moving closer.

“Oi mate,” an all-too-familiar voice sounded back. Felix.

“Oh, Lix. What are you doing back here?” He was speaking English. He hadn’t done that in a few days.

“We’re in… we’re home. When did we get here?”

“What? No, Felix, this is… this is a dream, right?”

“What?”

Chan’s eyes snapped open at that moment. Felix was already getting ready in the bathroom, and it took Chan a second to realize they weren’t in Sydney anymore.

_Was that a shared dream? Was it a dream at all? Was it a memory?_

“Mornin’ Chan,” the blonde said in the other room, in English again.

“Morning,” Chan croaked, lifting himself up and stumbling to the bathroom. He and Felix stood side by side, brushing their teeth and applying skincare products and not saying a word. 

To Felix, it was warm and comforting silence. To Chan, it was unbearable and cold. It always felt like that when he wasn’t talking to the other boy. 

“Um. Any weird dreams last night?” Chan asked, falling into Korean.

“Why, did you have one?” Felix smiled, not thinking much of the comment.

“I did.”

“Oh, strange. Nothing for me.”

Chan made a sound of approval, swiping sunscreen onto his cheeks. It was all his mind playing with him. He needed to sleep more.

\----

Dance practice went about as well as expected. He kept looking over at his Australian companion, wondering if the boy had any idea that he was in the elder’s dream. Felix didn’t look like he was thinking about anything except dance, though. Chan could usually tell when the younger had something on his mind - he wasn’t exactly hard to read.

Eight counts faded into heavy breathing as the eight now-stinky-sweaty idols finally moved on for the day. There was lunch and vocal training and another seven hours of staring at a computer screen.

_I should go live. I haven’t gone live in a while._

Chan knew he wouldn’t, but he liked entertaining the thought.

“Yah, Channie, what do you think?” Jisung asked from across the room. The leader had apparently missed an entire conversation.

“About what?”

“Gosh, you really are deaf. We want to go out for dinner tonight. It’s been a long week.”

“And who will be making the private reservation?” Chan cocked an eyebrow sarcastically.

“Well…”

“I’ll make it for seven, I won’t be coming,” Chan mentioned, throwing his stuff in a bag. The whole group protested. He scoffed. “I’m serious, I have work to do.”

“It’s Friday,” Changbin said bluntly. 

“And?”

“No. No work.”

“Yes, very much yes work.”

Felix’s eyes flitted between Chan and the group. “I can stay back,” he interrupted. “I don’t want to pressure you, hyung,” he was referring to Chan now. “But I don’t want you to work all night. I’m keeping you in the dorm with me.”

“No, Felix, you deserve to go out, too.”

“It’s my duty to force you to take a night off.” Chan rolled his eyes at that. “Hyung, don’t do that. We’ll have fun together, okay?”

His expression was so genuine, there was no possible way on earth Chan could say no. So he didn’t. As everyone exited the practice room, Changbin tapped his leader’s shoulder.

“The rest of us suggested Felix stay back, you know? Not him.”

Chan raised an eyebrow. He definitely wasn’t going to force Felix to stay back now.

“We know something’s wrong with you,” the rapper continued. “Did something happen last night? You look worse and worse every day, especially today.”

“No? I don’t know what you’re talking about, Bin.”

“We know Felix calms you the most. He really wants to help, so try not to be grumpy or anything. Talk to him, it’ll make you feel better.”

“I-” 

The other left before Chan could say anything, and he was left feeling worse than before. He was starting to affect the dynamic of the group, something he promised he’d never let happen. 

_How did it get this bad?_

\----

There was a song that reminded Chan of Felix. Not the style of it, though. Come to think of it, the lyrics weren’t very Felix-y either. But it just… felt like him. It could have been a sound or a chord, Chan didn’t know. It started playing when the two boys were playing Uno in the living room one night, and Felix had looked at Chan like the elder held literal stars in his eyes. Maybe that’s why Chan had been going back to it for the past couple weeks, staring through the ceiling until it became invisible and he saw the night sky. He wanted to float up into the heavens and bring back a star just for Felix, so he could feel justified in the way the blonde looked at him that evening. 

The smell of hot food broke Chan away from his thoughts, a plate of pasta being placed in front of him by delicate hands. 

“Chef Yongbokkie, at your service,” the boy beamed. Chan grinned back.

“Lookin’ like a chef-”

“Noooo,” Felix interjected, plopping on the couch and shoving his friend.

“You’re a five-star michelin-”

“I literally can’t stand you.”

“You love me,” the leader said definitively, before digging into his expertly-made dinner.

“I love you,” Lix said, feigning defeat. “Movie night, then?”

“Lix.”

“Chan. No. Movie. Stay in. Cuddle. I will tackle you to the couch, and I don’t know if you’d like that very much,” he threatened.

_I would actually like that very much, but that’s neither here nor there._

“Okay, okay, fine. What movie are we watching?”

“Anything, I don’t mind. I just like spending time with you,” he placed a small hand gently on Chan’s. It was nothing more than a sign of comfort, but it made the elder’s cheeks blush. Felix had no idea how deep he was into this, and he knew it would only get worse.

“Let’s scroll Netflix, yeah?”

“Sounds good.”

They eventually settled on a Ghibli movie, Felix cuddling into his hyung’s side as he usually did. There was a time where Chan didn’t realize how affectionate Lix was. The group was talking about it on a broadcast, everyone sharing their experiences with the cuddle-bug. They even said he’d _nuzzle_ them, like a goddamn cat. That was certainly news to Chan, and it was nearly impossible to hide the disappointment in his voice when he said _“ah, you see, I’ve never noticed that.”_ He knew Seungmin didn’t say _“well, maybe he just doesn’t do it with you?_ ” to purposefully hurt the leader. It still did, though, and Chan was pretty sure every STAY ever noticed the way his face dropped.

One of the other members must have told Felix about that, because it wasn’t soon after when the blonde began making a practice of cuddling Chan to sleep whenever he could. If it was a stay-out-until-5AM-working type of night, the leader would come back and see Felix with someone else. He knew it wasn’t personal, and that Felix was kind of a comfort person to the entire group, but he couldn’t help wondering what it would be like to have his friend all to himself. Not in a weird way, though. Nope.

By the end of the movie, the only thing Chan could think about is every point of contact with him and Felix - which at the moment, was a lot. He was laying across the couch with Felix straight on top of him, head relaxing on his chest. He pet the boy’s head, softly running strong fingers through the soft blonde hair. It was bittersweet. _It should be like this always,_ but Chan doesn’t know if ‘always’ is just friendship, or something else.

“It’s been a while since we’ve hung out, just you and me,” Felix said at one point.

“Yeah, we should do it more often.”

“Does it make you feel better?” He looked up, adjusting his position so his sparkling eyes bore straight into the brunette’s soul. “Being with me?”

_Don’t say things like that._

“Better than what? I always like spending time with you.”

“You’ve been… weird lately. Coming home even later than you usually do. I can’t even stay up that late to cuddle with you when you get back.”

Chan paused. _He waits for me._

“Look, Lixie. I know the others put you up to this-”

“No, no. They suggested, but I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t agree. I love you a lot, and I don’t like seeing you like this,” Felix was almost whining at this point. “You can tell me anything, you know that, right?”

 _I want to kiss that stupid pout right off your lips._ Those were the words Chan wanted to say, but he didn’t. He bit his tongue.

“Of course I know that. I just have nothing to tell.”

Felix breathed out, annoyed. “I understand. Just…” he began, thinking. He scooted up closer, right up in Chan’s face. The leader felt like he couldn’t breathe, the way the younger stared at his face like it was some sort of renaissance statue. For a second he thought he was going to kiss him, that these feelings he’d been sorting through were actually requited - but Felix paused, simply nuzzling into his neck. 

_Well, not the worst outcome._

“Just don’t bottle everything up and release it at once. You know that hurts people, you’ve seen what it does to people we know.”

Chan thought about other people in the company, who didn’t have a relationship with their groups the way Stray Kids did. He didn’t want that for his team, but he didn’t know how to deal with every crushing thought in his skull. Never did he think his idol journey could spark any romantic outlook, _especially_ with one of his own groupmates. 

“Okay, Lix. I promise I’ll talk about it soon.”

“You better, okay? And tell me first,” Chan could feel the boys brows furrowing. 

“You got it.”

Chan almost screamed when Felix placed a quick kiss in the crook of his neck, the boy promptly falling asleep in his arms soon after.

  
  



	2. and all i am is a man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chan finally thinks about himself, while felix thinks about the future.

\---

Chan did not know what he was going to do. 

Like, seriously.  _ What am I gonna do? _

He honestly wished he’d never realized he like-liked Felix. Everything reminded him of the boy, everything he said would trace back to Felix eventually. If Chan wasn’t working, he was wondering what the blonde was doing, if he was thinking about him, if he felt the same as Chan did. And he hated —  _ hated  _ — his brain for flooding his mind with those thoughts. He just didn’t want to think.

So he didn't. He spent every waking moment flooding his brain with media, with work, with conversation that  _ didn’t  _ pertain to his crush; anything and everything to just  _ focus on something else.  _

It was 1:30 in the morning, and thankfully, Chan wasn’t working. He was sitting on the couch and simultaneously watching Youtube videos and scrolling through Twitter (he totally didn’t have a secret personal account where he could see every dumb thing Stay said). 

In his peripheral, he noticed a light being switched on and soft footsteps padding to the kitchen. He could lie and say he didn’t recognize who it was, but there was nothing more distinct to the man than the sound of Felix walking through the dorm.

“Hyung?” 

“Hey, Lix.”

“Why aren’t you sleeping?” The younger was trying to sound mad but only came off as concerned. He was always concerned, and it always hurt Chan to know he could be causing Felix any pain.

“I’ll go soon, promise,” Chan turned around to see Felix in whole. The blonde was wearing an oversized hoodie, supposedly with nothing but briefs underneath. His messy hair was pushed back with a hairband, and his eyes blinked as they adjusted to the dim lighting. He looked perfect (as always).

“What are  _ you _ doing up?”

“Just getting water,” Felix seemed to remind himself of the task at hand, snapping around to grab a glass and fill it up. 

Chan nodded, turning his attention back to his laptop. Felix seemed to breathe in, about to say something, so the elder glanced over. No words were spoken, however. Felix just went back to bed, and Chan was left wondering what he had to say. 

\----

“Bye Stay! I love you!”

Chan shut off the live after hugging his phone, leaning back in his seat. 

He did it. 

He went live. 

And oh my god, the international fans were about to lose their shit.

First off, he hadn’t been live in a few weeks — not enough to cause worry (he just used the “just need to take a break while I work” excuse), but long enough for the fans to start missing him. He wasn’t thinking when he saw the request for Sweater Weather, playing it right away because it  _ was  _ one of his favorite songs. The words left his mouth before he could stop them:

“This song is like an anthem for people, right? I guess it’s kind of mine, too.”

To any normal person, there was no issue. To any LGBT person ever, Chan had just come out as bisexual in front of one million people. Oh, and he tried to play it off without being flustered, he tried not to say anything else. Korean media wouldn’t say anything because he hadn’t come out with anything specific. But what was implied was implied — and it was the truth (most likely). 

Chan had been thinking about himself lately, an activity he did not like to partake in. But for the first time, he considered his own preferences. He’d loved his previous girlfriend a lot, and he was  _ definitely  _ attracted to women. But now, with all this Felix stuff, he was debating whether his feelings were brotherly love or actual attraction. 

The answer was pretty obvious. Chan was not a member of Straight Kids.

“ _ Cause’ it’s too cold, woah, for you here, _ ” Chan had sung, the image of him set to the ‘bisexual anthem’ burned into his phone and into his mind. It looked correct, at least. He didn’t look like a straight guy singing the song. 

Twitter was a mixed bag: most Korean fans had no clue what was happening, some international Stays were also in the dark, very few said anything negative at all. The majority was their (admittedly large) LGBTQ audience absolutely pouring their love out. ‘#Weloveyouchan’ was already trending, and many even took the time to say “whether this was a coming out or just a coincidence, let’s show our leader our love!” The cute bisexual flag edits were all over the place. 

Surprisingly, Chan wasn’t scared. He was comfy, he felt safe. He knew that if he ever did decide to officially speak on his sexuality, at least he’d have his Stays. He’d have to clear things up next week, probably talk about how the situation was slightly misread but he loved the edits and the support… just generally try to save his ass while not outright lying to his fans. 

Felix (of course) barged into the studio then, waving his phone around.

“Did you see?!”

“See…” Chan grabbed his wild and tiny hand, steadying the phone to see what was on screen. It was Twitter.

“Yeah, I’ve seen.”

“Well, what are you going to do?” The younger’s eyebrows scrunched up in worry. He looked cute.

“Nothing, I didn’t say anything incriminating, so people can take it as they will.”

“Oh…” Felix looked at his phone, then back at Chan. “Well… is it true? Are you?”

“I mean, I guess.”

Felix rolled his eyes. “What do you  _ mean _ , ‘I guess.’ Are you bisexual or not?” His words seemed harsh, but his tone was soft. There was a lot more behind his question than was obvious, and Chan knew it.

“I’m… not straight. That’s all I can say.”

“Oh.” Felix stepped closer, his posture implying he wanted to hug. Obviously Chan wasn’t going to say no, so he invited the younger in for a squeeze. “I’m happy for you. Even if you have to cover it up.”

“The people who are meant to know will know. There’s like this,” he drew back from the hug to look at Felix. “This whole new community of people to explore — one that I’ve never thought I’d get to be a part of!” The thought made Chan smile; he  _ was _ excited to secretly explore this avenue.

“I really never thought you’d be the first one of us to ‘come out,’” Felix smirked.

“Oh god, you don’t mean…”

“Channie!” Felix laughed. “I thought it was like, super obvious that half the group is queer! We didn’t find each other for nothing!”

The way Felix’s eyes scrunched up when he laughed sent Chan’s heart into a pounding mess. Maybe he had the personal stuff figured out, but this boy was going to be the death of him.

The two hugged again, the implication that Felix was in this with his hyung thoroughly said. They came home to a flurry of “did you sees” and confused “congrats” as the members bombarded Chan. Not even they knew why what he said was so groundbreaking, so the night ended with them all huddled on the couch, watching Tik Toks as ‘educational videos.’

Felix pressed against Chan’s side, the two of them sharing cackles while gripping onto each other for dear life. Most of the kids fell asleep sometime around 12 — except Minho and Jisung, who were looking at  _ something  _ on Minho’s phone, whispering and giggling like high schoolers. Felix was half-asleep on Chan’s very-awake chest, tiny hands clasped around the elder’s strong ones. 

“You know, hyung?” He said groggily, on the verge of passing out.

“What is it, Lix?” Chan craned his neck forward to see his friend.

“I could get used to this. Being like this with everyone all the time. Being like this with  _ you  _ all the time.”

Chan had to consciously remind his heart to not beat quickly, since Felix could feel it. But his stomach felt like someone released a pack of tiny rabid dogs into it. 

“Really?”

The blonde nodded. “I think even when we’re too old to be kpop idols. I want to live with everyone. At the very least, live with you. Maybe we can go back to Sydney and get an apartment. Or houses right next to each other if you want a family or something.”

Chan could have cried. Felix’s ramble was the spark that lit a match of realization in the leader; he hadn’t ever considered a future without Stray Kids in it— and he definitely, one-hundred percent,  _ never  _ considered a future without Felix. He was a constant in every vision Chan had, from going back to Australia for the first time to being an old man in a tiny townhouse and baking treats for his grandkids with him. How could he ever devote his heart to anyone else, when Felix would always be in the back of his head? What they had was beyond friendship, brotherhood, or even romance. It was a soul bond, a connection that couldn’t be broken —  _ wouldn’t  _ be broken

Chan just had to admit his feelings.

And that would be his downfall.

“Yeah,” Chan sighed. “I would like that a lot, Lixie.”

The younger smiled, nuzzling into Chan’s shoulder and wrapping his arms around in a warm hug. He looked so blissfully unaware of the storm raging in his human pillow’s head. One day, they would both be at peace when they slept. 

But until then, Chan was absolutely ruined. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so this is absolutely the opposite of where I thought this chapter was going to go but plot waits for nobody! I tried to make the 'coming out' thing as realistic as possible - do you guys think that's how it would go? I mean he didn't actually come out lol it was just *heavily implied* which is what I think would happen in real life anyways.
> 
> also, each chapter is probably going to be based on a different song which is why the titles aren't all from arctic monke. this one is obviously sweater weather by the neighborhood :)


	3. sometimes all i think about is you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chan's got that summertime sadness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait! I promise I will NOT abandon this fic, it just might take a while to release chapters :)

It was June, and it was hot. 

The kids had just finished another comeback throughout May, and everyone was enjoying their free summer month as the only work they were required to do was filming for shows and photoshoots — both of which were fun, anyways.

But Chan was still working. He started going to bed earlier (earlier than 3 AM, so nothing to be proud of), but he was still working. He promised Stay that he was going to fight until it killed him in 2021, and he intended to keep his word. Even if Stay told him to stop, even if his team told him to stop, even if JYP himself told him to stop; he wouldn’t.

Unless Felix told him to stop. Which he did. A lot. 

Today, the younger wanted to go on a walk, and he wanted Chan to join him. They decided to go in the evening, when the sun wouldn’t beat as harshly and the streets would be less lonely. Felix looked adorable, with an oversized tee tucked into a pair of mom jeans. He was at the door already, face mask under his chin to flip up when they set out. He looked Chan up and down with an unreadable expression, his eyes drawn to his hyung’s arms— which were on display in his muscle tee. Chan grew red under his gaze.

“Ready to go?” Chan asked, half-smiling.

“Mhm!” Felix flashed a thumbs up, opening the dorm door and allowing the pair to exit the building.

They decided to walk along the Han river, which was lit up beautifully in the slowly-setting sun. Couples went on dates in the park, tourists took pictures, and kids played along the banks. The summer heat hung in the air, warming up most, but burning Chan like flames in an oven. 

Chan’s attention turned to two girls, probably around their age. They were foreign, but they seemed to be asking someone for directions in pretty understandable Korean. They nodded and parted ways with the stranger, quickly kissing each other and holding hands as they walked towards their destination. Chan realized after a second that they were a couple, and smiled under his mask. Felix had been going on about something, but noticed the same couple and was flitting his eyes between them and Chan, clearly thinking about something.

With a sigh of resolve, Felix brushed his hand against Chan’s, beckoning him to hold it. What else could Chan do, except intertwine their fingers and hope his palms weren’t clammy? Felix’s hand was so small and lithe compared to his, he didn’t want to crush his bones in his wolf-like grasp. 

Chan hadn’t even thought about what the gesture meant yet, and he didn’t want to. Not until Felix piped up:

“D’ya think people will think we’re a couple?”

Chan choked on his spit. “I—ah… why?”

“Because we look like one,” he raised their connected hands.

“I mean, yeah, but not everyone sees two guys and jumps to ‘couple.’”

“Well, a lot of people here would, don’t you think? The tourists.”

Chan looked around to confirm. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“Well… is that an issue for you?”

Chan turned towards his friend, eyebrow raised. “What? No, of course not. Let them think what they want, it’s not like either of us are pretending to be straight.”

Felix sighed, and Chan thought he saw the younger smile under his mask.

“We—we’re brothers. And we know that, so who cares?” Chan continued, talking more to himself than Felix.

“Yeah...brothers.” Felix’s tone was far off; not disappointed, but contemplative. Chan cringed at the phrase he used almost every time he was on camera. 

_“Felix is like my little bro,” “You remind me of my little brother a lot,” “we’re Aussie brothers,”_

All of which were true. They did act like brothers… at first. Their relationship had become much more than a simple term like that. But it was still undefined, whatever they were. It felt like they were always dancing (figuratively and literally) around whatever they had.

Eventually the two found a spot to pause and look over the river, leaning over a railing in comfortable silence. Chan turned his head, watching Felix as his eyes took in every little detail of the view, sparkling like there were literal stars in them. Chan hadn’t met anyone with eyes like Felix’s before; eyes that showed every emotion but hid them all at the same time, brown eyes that caught every minor source of light and twinkled even in artificial LEDs. He looked so peaceful now, his lips slightly upturned in a comfortable smile. 

Would Chan ever be able to make Felix’s eyes sparkle? He wanted to, more than anything. But every day he seemed to bring another disappointment to the younger. He was supposed to be taking care of Felix, but Felix was taking care of him.

_Am I a burden?_

“Chan-hyung, are you okay?” 

Chan hadn’t noticed that his eyes were welling up, his chest panging as he tried to keep in a round of depression tears. He pawed at his eyes, smearing the saltwater all over his cheeks.

“Yeah, I’m good. Just forgot to blink,” he smiled weakly. Felix frowned.

“If you’re upset, you can tell me. We’re basically alone now.”

Chan sighed. He wanted to confess, so, so badly. He could get over so many problems if he just admitted his feelings — but he couldn’t do that. Not yet.

“D’ya ever get scared that someone you’re supposed to be a source of happiness for, isn’t actually happy with you?”

Felix sucked in his cheeks. “Of course I do. I just have to tell myself that they wouldn’t keep being around me if I _really_ couldn’t make them happy.”

“Do I make you happy?” Chan bit his lip.

Felix chuckled. “Is that why you’re asking, you dummy? Of course you make me happy, you make me so, so happy. I love spending time with you.”

“And all this mental blockage, it’s not too hard on you? Matter of fact, you _and_ the rest of the kids?”

“Channie hyung, you’ve dealt with our problems for years. Who would we be if we couldn’t be patient with you for a while? I mean, you haven’t even been mean or strict… honestly, we’re worried more than anything.”

“I’m sorry, I really don’t want to cause stress,” Chan was pouting now.

“Don’t apologize, really. We know it’s beyond your control.” Felix scanned Chan’s face. “C’mere,” he motioned, wrapping a comforting arm around his elder. Chan rested his head on the blonde’s shoulder.

“Don’t let go, Felix.”

“Never. I’ll never let you go.”

\----

It was still June, except it was the middle of June instead of the beginning, and it was even hotter.

The entire dorm was filled with fans. They had AC, but when an apartment is filled with eight men who are constantly working out in some capacity, whether it be dance, gym, or chasing each other around for one reason or another, there needs to be some sort of backup. 

Even in the night, as it currently was, the whir of mechanical fans played in the background. Nobody cuddled this time of year, unless they wanted to die of heat stroke. Chan was basically laying in a pool of his own sweat that night, wide awake as he waited for his melatonin to kick in. 

_“I’ll never let you go.”_

_But what if I’m the one who has to let go, then?_

Felix didn’t deserve any of the shit Chan carried with him. He didn’t deserve to have loads of emotional baggage dumped on top of him for no reason. The leader couldn’t help but doubt Felix’s words from earlier that month. Chan didn’t think he’d ever be able to give Felix what he needed from… well, any relationship. He turned over in his bed, catching the view of the blonde sleeping across the room, thin limbs sprawled over the bed in a vain attempt to release body heat. He was obviously too hot, but he still appeared at peace, his lips curved in a small smile. Chan wondered what he was dreaming of.

_Not me, that’s certain. It’s never gonna be me. I need to stop this heartbreak before it starts._

Chan knew, oh, he knew, he needed to get his mind right. But that would never happen unless he _had_ Felix, and the whole entire reason he was so fucked up was _because_ he’d never have Felix. If he was ever going to piece himself together, maybe he had to eliminate Felix from the picture. Not from his life, obviously. But from his vicious mental cycle. Bring it back to brotherhood. Yeah, he’d find someone else, and they’d all move to Australia and live next door. Not with each other, but next door.

Just…

Chan just needed one more date. One more moment together. And then he’d say goodbye.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay this one was kinda short (brainrot) and I'm sorry for the angst I promised it wouldn't be too angsty but it is oops. happy ending I promise! also this chapter's song is heat waves by glass animals (iykyk) I love the fic and the song so much that I had to add my own spin/take on it (plus it fits perfectly).

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading ! ^^


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